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Every parent has been there. You’re out in public with your toddler, it’s past lunch and naptime, but you have to finish one last errand before going home, and suddenly your child is completely non-compliant. “No” seems to be the only word in their vocabulary and they start yelling and kicking up a ruckus. Before you know it, they’re on the ground and you feel like all eyes are on you, waiting to see what you’ll do next. The pressure mounts and you think, “I look like a terrible parent!” But most likely, anyone who’s had a child knows exactly what you’re going through. Take three deep breaths and then keep reading to find out all the why’s, what’s, and how-to’s of public temper tantrums and calming them.
Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?
Kids are most likely to have tantrums between the ages of one and three. At these ages, you have to understand, the world is still uncomfortably new for your child—especially their interior world. This means that the sensations of bodily needs not being immediately met (hunger, bladder urges, thirst, tiredness, etc.) as well as the sensations of strong emotions (shame, guilt, anger, etc.) can be very difficult and scary for them to process. Therefore, tantrums have a variety of biological and emotional triggers, and often more than one of these factors is in play at once. If your child has missed a snack AND had a rejection experience in the same afternoon, a tantrum may be likely, because they’ll be hungry and ashamed simultaneously, and toddlers lack the emotional regulation skills to deal with two strong feelings at once! Additionally, toddlers are growing fast! They often want more independence and control than they are actually able to handle, and these emotional “growing pains” can cause frustration to build up in your little one. Tantrums are often just the eruption of this buildup.
What do Tantrums Look Like?
Tantrums are often envisioned as a child screaming and crying on the floor, but there is more than one way for a child to throw a tantrum, and tantrum behaviors vary greatly from child to child. Some of the behaviors you might see include crying, screaming, stiffness and tension in the body, breath holding, kicking, falling to the floor, and seemingly aimless flailing movements. In more extreme cases kids may lash out and break things or potentially hurt themselves or others. They can even become so upset that they vomit! This may all seem very scary, and if your child’s tantrum behavior is harmful to themself or others, you should certainly consult your pediatrician. However, tantrums are perfectly normal every once in a while. That said, watch the frequency of your child’s tantrums. If they seem to always be disagreeable and on the verge of a tantrum, your child might be struggling with a chronic illness, vision or hearing disruption, language processing delay, or learning disability. All of these conditions can increase toddlers’ frustration and lead to frequent meltdowns.
How To Prevent Toddler Tantrums
The best way to prevent tantrums before they happen is to ensure that your child is properly fed, watered, and rested before they engage in a stimulating activity. Hunger, sleepiness, and bathroom needs combined with overstimulation are all common causes of toddler tantrums.
Another way to avoid public meltdowns is to know your child’s triggers. Maybe they really don’t like being told “No”, or they’re prone to sensory overload, or they don’t get along well with older kids. We obviously can’t always prevent these events from happening. Nobody likes to hear “no”, but it’s a part of life! What we can do, however, is prepare for stressful moments in our child’s life and have distractions at the ready when feelings are likely to be hurt.
Finally, teach your child to use their words to tell you about their emotions. Most tantrums are merely a frustrated attempt to explain things that toddlers don’t have words for yet. Teaching your child to identify and express emotions in a constructive way is implicit to their long-term emotional health and can save you and your child a lot of stress.
Okay, It’s Happening, What Do I Do?
That’s all very well, but what do you do when you’re in the middle of a meltdown? The most important thing to do, and this won’t shock you, is to remain calm. If you react to your toddler’s behavior in a negative way, it will only compound the feelings that are causing the tantrum. Keep a calm voice and a level head. It’s generally agreed upon that “giving in” to tantrums only reinforces negative behaviors. The best option is to ignore the tantrum, but that doesn’t mean you need to ignore your child! Stay close to them and make sure they and others are physically safe, but don’t acknowledge the unusual nature of their behavior. Patiently wait for them to exhaust their emotions, and perhaps offer them distractions like food, toys, deep breathing exercises, singing a favorite song, etc. Don’t physically restrain them unless they are in serious danger of hurting themselves, this may increase their fear. But you can offer a hug if it’s wanted!
How to Deal with the Aftermath
A short “time-out” can be implemented during the tantrum. This doesn’t necessarily mean the old-fashioned trip to a corner alone to “think about what they’ve done”. In truth, your child hasn’t “done” anything but express their emotions in a socially unacceptable way, and your job isn’t to punish them, but to teach them how to handle their feelings in a more constructive way. A time-out can mean any period of time when you inform your child that you are unable to talk with them until they are calmer. This doesn’t include leaving them alone or isolated, just taking a little “quiet” time or giving them an opportunity to cry it out. Then, you can have a conversation about appropriate emotional coping strategies with your child once they have calmed down.
Remember to swing by the Wondrfly blog regularly for more parenting hacks and tips! One of the best ways to ensure tantrums don’t take over is to keep your child invested in activities that make them happy and teach them emotional processing skills! Check out the best kids’ activities near you at www.wondrfly.com!
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